Opportunities and Insecurities

You know that bad feeling when you don't have money. That bad feeling when you know you are going to run out of money soon.

Well I'm feeling that.

There are a couple of opportunities that have been presented to me. But I don't know they kinda look more like distractions for me.

I have plans on how I can earn money from my art-making. How to foster a viable audience for my works.

But there is just this thing that is bothering since Saturday. I don't know maybe it's because it looks like I'm not doing much.

But goddamnit I working my ass here. 9 to 9 is the rhythm I set up for myself. With lunch, supper, and meryenda breaks in between.

I am thinking if I will grab the opportunity being presented to me to work in a studio. I will probably work just as much maybe more. I will have a secure source of funds but then again I will have a whole lotta less time to spend in my art-making.

Plus there's this big misconception that I'm already a "big time". Probably because I've been very active in writing and in attending artist talks this past weeks. But please don't get the impression that I am a "big time". I'm not rich, I'm not bourgeoisie, I'm just as curious as you are about how the art people are able to sustain and thrive financially.

And I'm usually broke. I bring "baon" most of the time to have enough money to attend the next talk.

I have plans. That's what I usually say and I don't blame others for not "getting it" because they are just that plans that are crazy, funny and sometimes kept secret. I have this piece of paper in front of me in my working table saying "Show, don't tell" so I'm working as hard as I can, trying to be smart about it, and being as crazy brave as I can but my funds can only do so much so I'm compelled to think more creatively, simply, frugally and effectively.

That's why I sometimes think and think and think. And doubt all that I do. Being critical is good but sometimes we just have to do it.

This piece I'm currently working with is requiring so much time. And I don't know how long it's seconds to fame will last.

I kinda don't know where I'm heading that's why I'm insecure.

Ha! I don't know maybe I just have to do it and let everyone else be the judge of it. I don't have to say "no" for you. That's your job. I'll just do mine. Right.

Having this little money that I have seems to be more problem inducing than not having any money at all :)    

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